Good Enough Mother
Are you worried about being a good enough mother? I certainly was. What is the feeling for you, is it familiar? anxiety, sadness, frustration, overwhelm?
Emotions are ALWAYS unresolved messengers from our history. Our bodies are in constant communication with us. We are not taught to read these signals, we usually just try to get away from them, some of us stuff them down, believe me, that takes a lot of energy that could be put to better use. Some of us act out and leave a trail of devastation along the way. Some of us use addictions including buying “stuff” We do all this for one reason, RELIEF! Every action we take is because we BELIEVE it will make us feel better and keep us safe….
Emotions are our sat nav they are with us as our guidance system. Learning the command and control centre is something we can all tap into, through knowing yourself deeply!
The concern of not being good enough highlighted itself (even more)when I became pregnant, recognising I was going to be responsible for another life, will my child even like me?
I wasn’t prepared to risk doing this parenting thing wrong it was a price I couldn’t afford. I had read the usual baby books in preparation, focusing firmly on getting through the first hurdle, the birth. I felt ill-equipped when I brought my son home and no family nearby. I felt very lonely and very worried about being responsive to his every need and still, he cried. Before I had got chance to really get to grips with mothering I was pregnant again with my second child, my first was just 3 months old. Now I wouldn’t be going back to work that decision had been made for me.
All I could do was read the parenting books and listen to the opinions of others. Often this didn’t feel good advice, but I doubted myself. Whilst my boys were still tiny I enrolled in parenting classes. I soon realised the power of labels we use on ourselves and others. For example, growing up I was considered a ‘Good ‘girl’ and my brother was the ‘lively one’
Those early years with my boys were my darkest days. I was really struggling mentally and not wanting to share that with anyone, not even my husband. I put on a brave face, after all, I had nothing to complain about. We were living in Paris, life should have been all sunshine and roses but it wasn’t. I felt lonely, very lonely. It was during this time I had the opportunity to attend a course, 2 weekends with English speaking folk, yes! I ran there to be immersed in this new learning, truth be told, it was also so I could leave the boys with their dad and get some headspace.
This was my introduction to understand the power of our mind, The course at that time was the Silva method of mind control. This was a massive wake up call for me. I recognised my mind was either friend or foe and yes we do get to choose. That course saved my marriage, my sanity and set me on a journey I had not intended
Parents look to do their best for their children and mine were no exception. They worked hard to provide. All my worldly needs were taken care of but emotionally? a different story because no one tells us how to work with our emotions, it is all about behaviour. Not that I realised that as a child. I loved them both and would do whatever it took to stay in their good books (type 9)
I, in turn, have done my best for my children. Interestingly enough what my children think of me is truly important, however, I can say that whatever their opinion is I have no guilt over my role as a mum, I did the best I could at every point, even when I was sitting in my car for some headspace whilst they screamed from the doorstep. (I’ve had all 4 at this point) We are responsible for our own emotions and they are theirs.
leading on from my parenting courses I did a year in person centred counselling and then turned my focus to life coaching because it’s about looking towards the future and what we DO want. Besides I had nothing to go digging for from my childhood, it was ‘normal’ whatever that is.
Then came a variety of tools… NLP, EFT, Matrix Reimprinting, Bach remedies…. the list goes on! I even walked on hot coals. Yep, mind over matter.
They say “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. I find this to be true. So there I was in my local Sainsburys, waiting to be served when a bookcase displaying secondhand books the scouts were selling caught my attention. One book was calling me, I read the blurb and risked the humongous 50 pence charge for this ‘Enneagram’ book. I devoured that book in one sitting and found myself in those pages… it really was an OH SHIT moment. The me that I didn’t know existed was exposed. What was fascinating to realise is that what I had always deemed my “positive traits” were, in fact, my gift and my challenge!!
…And so my focus changed from wanting to be this great parent to wanting to be a great me; because through this awareness I could be the best parent “I” could be. I recognised how much influence we have over our children as parents, how as a child I had adapted myself to stay connected.
I found an understanding of why my brother and I have very different perceptions of our parents and the world at large, even though we are from the same gene pool and lived in the same environment. Make no mistake, the Enneagram is profound, it is the map of how you are “doing” yourself now, habitually. How do you improve?
Here is the challenge. As a child, we don’t have the logical meaning brain developed, we process information as emotions and the unresolved debris is stored in the body. As we age we try to think our way out and through situations, agreed?
Until now so much store has been put on the head brain. Science now proves we have 3 brains, yes 3! one in our head one in our heart and one in our gut and different personality styles use these brains in different sequences and patterns. To take the right action, or non-action can only come from wise decisions when all three brains are aligned. This is what I can teach you for yourself or train you to coach others. The world needs us all to come from our place of wisdom. As Gandhi said “you must be the change you want to see in the world” your world!! The science behind mBraining has been gathered from specialists in their field. This is a synthesis of cutting-edge knowledge that backs up ancient wisdom, it certainly backs up the Enneagram. Would you like me to show you how?
Know your neurology – appreciate yourself